I recently started reading a book where the beginning of the story was the page that you see above. It resonated with me immediately on a deep level. I must have read the lines over twenty times in my head, over and over again, relating them to my own story and my own struggles. I realized that it’s all so true about telling your story…it’s a way to tell the facts (no gossip or hyperbole allowed), it’s a way to infuse humor into a hurtful situation, it’s a way to relieve pain and sorrow, and most importantly, it’s a way to move on. Every single person whom I’ve told my PCOS journey to has taken a piece of me. The more I tell the story, the more freedom I feel.
Warning: Women’s issues are mentioned below. If you are sensitive to this topic, you may want to click out of this particular post.
My whole life, my menstrual cycle was as normal as normal could get. Textbook, really. Around the age of twenty-one or twenty-two, I noticed I was gaining weight for seemingly no reason. I had been going through a lot from the time I was eighteen through my early twenties. I chalked it up to the extreme stress and issues I was having. Then my period stopped. I was getting it only every 3 months instead of every month. It would come when it felt like it, and I had no control. My heart sunk as I researched what the cause could be and I realized I was a walking, breathing textbook example of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I had the weight gain, the wacky periods, the fatigue, and the overall feeling of my hormones being not right. It took me until I was twenty-five to get the actual physical diagnosis from the doctor. An ultrasound showed that I had “pearls” of cysts on my ovaries.
Here’s the problem: I wanted to get pregnant once I got married in 2008. Since my periods were so irregular, I knew I wasn’t ovulating every single month. I had no idea when I was ovulating or if I was, and that made getting pregnant nearly impossible since ovulation is the key to getting pregnant. In 2009-2010, I was on birth control for awhile, and I focused on healthy eating and exercise. I lost a lot of weight and came off the birth control in May 2010. In June 2010, I had a normal period exactly thirty days after my last one. I remember being inside of a Dunkin Donuts in New Jersey and crying in the bathroom. Yes, I was crying tears of happiness over getting my period. There’s something you don’t hear many women say. I knew that it meant I was ovulating and becoming “regular” again with my hormones. The next month when my period was due, I waited. It never came.
It was July 15th, 2010, and I had just finished blogging an article for Beauty Gala. I took a pregnancy test (it was one of those cheap strips) and went back and checked it. I thought I saw a faint line. I thought I was going crazy. I decided I would hold my urine for a few hours and take another test. I peed into a plastic cup so that I could take additional tests if I needed to. A line came up that was faint, but it looked positive to me. I just knew. I ran out to Walmart and I bought your expensive pregnancy tests, including a digital. Digital tests are notoriously expensive and of course it would say NOT PREGNANT, so what was I thinking? I came home, dipped the non-digital HPT and watched the second line show up immediately. I was still convinced that I was seeing things, so I dipped the digital test in. Even my husband encouraged me to take the digital. Within thirty seconds, PREGNANT came up on it. I literally fell to my knees and started hysterically crying. It would all be okay. I was pregnant. My estimated due date was March 20th, 2011.
March 20th, 2011 came and went and there was no baby. My pregnancy ended in miscarriage around the 9 week mark. It was devastatingly painful. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I hurt like never before. It took me well over two years to let go of that pain and move on. I no longer have any problems telling people my story. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t want you reading this to feel sorry for me. I got back up and moved on. I learned to stop living in the past and start creating my future.
This year, 2014, I have taken on a very serious health journey. It’s all for the million and one reasons above and then some. It’s personal. It’s sacred. No one can take it from me. For the first time in a long time, I got a regular period. A normal, natural menstrual cycle. It may sound ridiculous to so many people, but this is a HUGE victory for me (and anyone who has PCOS). The weight loss seems to have an incredible effect on my hormones. Getting a regular period means that I actually ovulated and that my hormones are HEALTHY. It means I actually have a chance to get pregnant again and start my family the natural way.
And so, as the story goes, I’m telling you to shove it, PCOS. Go home. I’m not going to lose to you and I am going to win this fight. Every “scar” that I have from this fight is like gasoline to a fire.
And now you know why I have started this journey and kept on it so crazily. This is my story to tell, and now I can get on with it.
Check out Erin’s Talking Fitness Thursday post here.